


Fifty Things Wizards Can't Do in the Myriad Worlds

by Pax



Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Podfic Available, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-17
Updated: 2007-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-19 07:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pax/pseuds/Pax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a fine line of crack, which this fandom SORELY lacks, stolen wholesale from <a href="http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3">The Skippy List</a>, itself an excellent bit of reading and splendiferous inspiration for any number of stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifty Things Wizards Can't Do in the Myriad Worlds

  

  1. Not allowed to destroy hundred-year old works of art, even if they look like leaves.
  

  2. Not allowed not to feed Machu Picchu. Ever.
  

  3. Not allowed to re-program launch tokens at the Crossings.
  

  4. Not allowed to abuse the “continuation and revocation” greeting.
  

  5. The proper question to ask upon meeting the Transcendent Pig is, “What is the meaning of life?”, not, “Are Tom and Carl together or what?”.
  


    a. Or “So what exactly is ‘grenfeltzing?’”
    b. Or “What's the deal with the timeline?”
  

  6. Breaking the fourth wall is Right Out.
  

  7. Not allowed to steal items from a fireworm’s horde, even if it is funny.
  

  8. Not allowed to casemod Spot.
  

  9. Not allowed to give Fred the hiccups for personal monetary gain, 
  


    a. Unless I give a cut to NASA.
  

  10. Not allowed to encourage Annie and the dogs to “find” things for personal monetary gain.  See above.
  

  11. Must not “accidentally” feed Ske’ert my homework.
  

  12. No spell below senior level requires going skyclad.
  

  13. If I discover a spell that does require going skyclad, I am not to perform it in the middle of Central Park.
  

  14. Not allowed to teach the koi to speak in villanelles.
  

  15. Must never ask an Advisory if they've been smoking crack.
  

  16. Not allowed to give the smokers behind the bleachers herpes.
  


    a. Even if they cat-call at Nita.
  

  17. We do not charge into battle naked, like the Celts.
  


    a. Even if we ARE Celts.
    b. Also not allowed to encourage Celts to charge naked into battle, especially broody punk ones.
  

  18. Not allowed to taunt the Perytons. 

    a. Or Azeroth.
    b. Or Tinkerbell.
    c. Or the Lone Power in his bound form.
    d. Or Carmela with chocolate.
    e. Taunting is generally a bad idea.
  

  19. Must not embark on quests to save the universe without first reading the manual.
  

  20. Not allowed to go to Mars and leave the door open. Again.
  

  21. Not allowed to hide Tom's script an hour before deadline in order to extract sexual favors.
  

  22. Not allowed to rely on "Latin Gallantry" when confronting parents about staying out too late on errantry. 

    a. Not allowed to rely on Latin Gallantry on dates, either.
    b. Even on first dates.
    c. In general, must use Latin Gallantry for good, not evil.
  

  23. Not allowed to break contract, even if it means getting eaten by a shark.
  

  24. Not allowed to set the "Misty Cloud Porn" channel as my screensaver.
  

  25. Not allowed to decorate Filif with tinsel and lights for Christmas, even if he likes it.
  

  26. Not allowed to criticize Carl's DIY prowess.
  


    a. Even if he did cause the NYC blackout.
  

  27. Not allowed to turn Ronan into a soggy beermat, even if he likes it.
  

  28. Not allowed to jump off water towers a la _Heroes_ and use the Ardaugh Chalice to fix myself.
  

  29. I am not allowed to breed a liger.
  

  30. I must not use Nita's space pen to alter The Book of Night with Moon to include a definite relationship between The Winged Power and The Lone Power.
  


    a. Or Kit and Nita.
    b. Or Nita and the Lone Power.
    c. Or Nita and Ronan.
    d. Or Kit and Ronan.
    e. Or Ronan and Carmela.
    f. Or Kit and Darryl.
    g. Or Kit and Dairine.
    h. Or Ronan and Darryl.
    i. Or Tom and Carl.
    j. Nita's space pen is generally off-limits.
  

  31. Not allowed to ask the Peridexis for love spells.
  

  32. Not allowed to use my partner to test the manual's statements about the heightened effects of sexual contact between wizards.
  


    a. Even if he asks nicely.
    b. ESPECIALLY if he asks nicely.
  

  33. Not allowed to cut Roshaun's hair in the dead of night.
  

  34. Not allowed to destroy my host civilization.
  


    a. Unless they ask for it.
    b. Brainwashing one's wizarding partner to become a sex slave does not constitute "asking for it."
    
  

  35. Not allowed to move a perfectly good planet. It's fine where it is.
  

  36. Must not flagrantly disobey the Laws of Thermodynamics. Discreetly flaunting them is still go.
  

  37. Not allowed to use the lucid dreaming necklace to "explore" odd dreams involving oysters, strawberries, vigourous horseback rides, and Kit.
  


    a. Or Ronan.
    b. Or Roshaun.
    c. Or Darryl.
    d. Or The Lone Power.
    e. Or Ronan and Carmela.
    f. Or Tom.
    g. Or Carl.
    h. Or Tom AND Carl.
  

  38. If an idea makes me giggle for longer than 13 seconds, I must assume I am not allowed to do it.
  

  39. Not allowed to leave rude jokes on Martian rocks for the astronauts to find.
  

  40. Not allowed to repair broken probes so that they spontaneously start transmitting again.
  

  41. Not allowed to turn all of Ronan's clothes hot pink.
  

  42. Must not ask Ponch to take me to Tatooine.
  


    a. Or Alderaan.
    b. Or Coruscant.
    c. Or Pern.
    d. Or Tortall.
    e. In general, must not abuse Ponch's world-walking abilities.
    f. ESPECIALLY since he's the One.
  

  43. Must not move my sister's bed to Pluto. Again.
  

  44. Must not give Carmela access to an intergalactic PayPal account.
  

  45. Must not abuse timeslides to see Maria Callas in concert.
  

  46. Not allowed to clone myself to avoid getting in trouble with my sister. 

    a. Or my parents.
    b. Or my Seniors.
    c. Not even on Ordeal.
  

  47. Must not use a white hole's emission for birthday present purposes. 

    a. Even if the shops are closed.
    b. Even if she's always wanted a LearJet.
  

  48. After one has died, it's considered rude to complain about the sheets you wake up on.
  

  49. When participating in a shared hallucinatory experience with other wizards, must endeavor to think of happy things, and not giant killer alien robots from HG Wells.
  

  50. Must not ask Carmela to borrow her copy of Rosetta Stone: The Speech.
  



**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Fifty Things Wizards Can't do in the Myriad Worlds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/784181) by [kalakirya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalakirya/pseuds/kalakirya)




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